My name is Christy and I am 60 years old. I was born in Kentucky while my father was in the Army. I am the oldest of 4 children. As I grew up, we moved frequently from town to town. The one place that I felt at home was the church because everywhere we went, we always joined the Lutheran Church. I felt safe within its liturgy and customs and beliefs. I felt loved there. I didn’t feel loved at home.
My father always insisted that we go to church every Sunday..even during blizzards or icy conditions. At times it was so unsafe to go, but he insisted. My father went from job to job as a highly educated man (Master’s degree), but one who never made close friends. He described himself as a ‘loner’. He married my mother who was so different from him..She loved being around people..associating with people. I have no idea what attracted them to each other in the first place, but it was obvious to me that by the end of their 56 years together, they no longer loved each other.
My dad was into his religion deeply. His Bible has verses underlined in red throughout his Bible and also notations in the margins. He used to tape conservative preachers on the radio to listen in the evenings. But, there was a hidden side to my father…a dark secret which I knew..He had a vicious temper. When he got angry, his face turned red and his eyes had this awful look in them..like no one was home. I was his child who looked the most like him and since he could or would not hit my mother, he beat me, hit me, kicked me and punched me when he was angry at me. This happened repeatedly and I did not feel loved. My mother was aware of some of these times and she did not intervene. It was horrific. Years later, I would go home for Easter dinner and my father became angry…not even at me…and I trembled.
My mother was a stay-at-home mom until I was 16 y/o. Throughout my growing up, I always had responsibilities…mainly, cleaning my room or vacuuming the living room or clean the bathrooms. However, when I got into 7th grade, my mom expected me to clean her entire downstairs…kitchen, living and dining room and bathroom. I vacuumed, dusted and scrubbed the bathroom. I began cooking the meals Mon through Friday..and then doing the dishes with my brother. we finally got a dishwasher after I left home. I did all of the cooking and cleaning except the laundry from 7th grade onward. My mother complemented me on the help but if I didn’t do it just right, I had to do it all over. I continued to do her work because it was one way to get her love. I felt worthless otherwise. She worked full time and I did her work at home. With this abusive household, it was with great relief that I left home when I went to college!!
I have always had a difficult time fitting in. Sure, I have had had friends in every city we lived in and even had friends as an adult. But, never felt like I fit in. I was always at the top of my class..a brain..and was looked down upon by other children. Now, no one knows this, but a few years ago, one of my co-workers labeled each of us in our work group and she labeled me the ‘brain’. Go figure.
I began writing some poetry and wrote several poems when I was 16 and then did not blog or write anything until 2006 when I began to write again. With the advent of Xanga and FAcebook and the trials associated with the deaths of my parents, I began writing voraciously again …
I sometimes wonder why I don’t fit in. I know I’ve never felt worthy…this from the very profound sequelae of my childhood, I believe. But, I feel I’m nice and care about others so not really sure why I don’t seem to be able to fit in.
I have been married for 35 years to a man who is 10 years older than I. For the most part, it has been a good life with him. I have two stepchidren and one daughter. Our daughter is the light of my life. She means so very much to me.
I have had much sadness in my life..There have been over 20 people from within my life’s circle who have died…including my best friend at age 30 and my parents. There has been a profound misunderstanding with a man from church who accused me of things I did not do…and I still haven’t been able to move past that.
All in all, my closest friend is my spouse..Yet, he did not even show up at the hospital when my mom fell down her basement striking her head and died that same day. So, my closest friend has not been the best one to support me, either. Sometimes, I believe that he doesn’t think much of me, either…just like most everyone else in my life. It is sometimes difficult for me to trust others. I’ve not had many trustworthy people in my life.
I am trying to like myself more. I think that the upbringing I had makes that more of a challenge. It is sometimes challenging to change long-held beliefs about myself.
I am a RN and proud of this profession. I have made a big difference for many people during my career as a nurse. I am thankful that I chose the profession in which I can positively impact another’s life during their most difficult times. I have helped many.
My proudest accomplishment in life is my daughter whom I know loves me very much. I chose not to follow in my father’s footsteps and chose to raise her without hitting her or abusing her. I did love her. I did not make her clean my entire house. I read parenting books and worked hard at being a loving mother. I did my very best.
I am very close to each of my brothers. But, my mother compared me to my sister as she was growing up and my sister grew to resent me and that rift has never been fully repaired, sadly. I have tried in the past but have given up now.
Now, blogging for me is a way for me to be heard.. For others to read what I’ve written and agree or disagree with. At least, someone is listening!!
I have a strong faith in God..and that has been a defining belief for me. I do believe that the sometimes rotting circumstances I have known will be made new in the end. I walk each day in His Love. I couldn’t have made it thus far without Him. I know he is real and exists. I will one day be with him..